Shitty shit shit shit!

I haven't written on here for a while, in fact since I last wrote I have survived Christmas, New Year, Pancake Day, our Wedding Anniversary and Mothers Day.  The first anniversary is now looming and I hate it, I am dreading it.  Coming up we have three weddings and a 30th Birthday party and I just can't be arsed but I will go because I need to make an effort.  If I don't make an effort I wouldn't do anything. 

I am back at work full time and it helps me to focus.  It is the only place where I can think straight and hold a sensible conversation, everywhere else I feel distracted but it's obvious why.  Every second thought is of my beautiful Hannah. I start to talk and forget what I am talking about, poor Phil must think I'm going slightly mad, although admittedly this only shows with Phil, everywhere else my mask is glued on!!

I have piled on weight but can't motivate myself to lose it.....  Perhaps I might die sooner if I carry on piling on the weight!! Now I know that is dark humour and I don't necessarily mean it however I won't lie.  If I was to be told that I was terminally ill right now, I would only be bothered because of the family I would leave behind.  I don't feel any better, the only thing that has changed between the shittiest day of my life in May to today is that my capacity to cope and carry this unbearable sadness has increased.  I read a post about grief being like a backpack, I can't find it now and didn't get it when I first read but I do now, I'm slowly learning how to carry mine.  If anyone has a link to this I would appreciate it.

I cannot believe it is now 10 and a bit months since I saw and smelt and laughed and hugged and kissed my chicken?  I watch my son grow taller, turning into a young man and it breaks my heart that Hannah isn't here to share it.  I see Hannah's friends in Wilmslow and I feel like I am being stabbed through the heart.  I am sorry that this post is a shit one.  Life is shit.  We have been handed a life sentence and it is massively shit.

LIFE IS SHIT!  It used to be almost perfect, perfect enough for me but now...............

Christmas shopping...

Hannah has a younger brother Ben who is 12 and two older Brothers, Ryan 20 and Lee 18.  I have been trying to buy Christmas Presents for them for the past 2 weeks but I just can't do it.   I can't see anything that I think they would like and my enthusiasm is not there.

I have been to the Trafford Centre, Manchester, John Lewis, Superdry, Bank, Debenhams, Selfridges, Hollister, Crew, Fat Face, Joules, Sports Direct, Comet.  I've been bloody everywhere and bought absolutely nothing.  Nothing at all.  Actually I am lying.  I have bought three footballs and two pairs of gloves but that's not exactly a great Christmas is it? 

My heart just isn't in it at all.  I am trying my best, we even went to Manchester, to the Christmas Markets and wore Christmas Jumpers to fool our friends and family into thinking we were more okay than we were, whilst looking on all the stalls for things that Hannah would have liked!

We are actually escaping to Keswick this Christmas on our own, without the boys.  Ben is going to his Dad's and the older boys are going to Phil's sisters.  I couldn't even book that.  It is like I cannot acknowledge  anything in the future because I can't bare to think of it without Hannah in it.  This leaves poor Phil taking over a whole heap of responsibility for our future because I was the planner.  I planned our holidays, days out, Birthdays, Christmas and I now find that I can't.

Happy Days at Southern Down Beach

Perfect Day..,

This was the title of the song that was number one the day Hannah was born. It was the Children in need single rather than the Lou Reed version but I listen to the Lou Reed version more often.

I love this song because it was a perfect day when she was born. A short 7 hour labour followed by an easy delivery and she was here, all 6 pound 61/2 of her. She was born at 9.50pm also known as cowboy time according to proud Granddad John (10 to 10).

The song mentions drinking Sangria in the park. Obviously Hannah didn't drink Sangria on the park but she did try it in a Chinese restaurant in Spain. She also served us our Sangria on the beach when we went to watch a fabulous Fiesta where the kids received Melons, flowers and all types of fruit from the various floats that rode past.

Feed animals in the Zoo. We fed giraffes and camels and Han nearly jumped out of her skin when the giraffe bent over to sniff her! They then swam with Sea Lions who gave big smackers kisses out that virtually pushed Hannah across the swimming pool!

A movie too. We loved the cinema, one of my most vivid memories was of being stood with a young Han waiting for Ben and Phil to buy the tickets. Ben flew from nowhere and rugby tackled Hannah to the floor in the foyer! He took us by such surprise that I burst out laughing and Han sat there looking slightly annoyed waiting for the moment she could get her little brother back!

And then home. Home sweet home, once full of fun and laughter. Of board games and baking. Of reading and dancing. Of Nintendo Wii and mini arguments and bickering. Full of the smell of perfume and body spray. Waiting for ages for the bathroom! Hunting down my hair straighteners and hair dryer. The sound of the piano and the piano pedal banging on the floor.

Those were perfect days, and I am glad I spent them with Hannah and I often sing this song loudly (maybe slightly out of tune) in my car, at the top of my voice, crying.

Now it feels like silence and it surrounds me....and I hate.

Getting on with things...

I've not written for a while because I haven't felt the need to really.  I have found that my interest in things changes all the time.  I find something that I think helps and launch myself into it full pelt only to find that it only helps for a little while then I need to think of something else.  For instance I have taken up sewing and have been making cushions, hats, bunting etc.  I like doing it but I keep hitting that bloody brick wall of just what is the frigging point?  It used to take me three days to read a book, now it takes me three weeks?

I think I must be hitting the depression part of my grief (I need to look into this more because I am remembering a bit about a book I read months ago).  I am struggling to get up and get my arse to work some days which is unusual because I have found work and keeping busy helpful.  Loud noises really irritate me and frustrate me, things like the dog barking or Phil shouting (not at me, normally at an inanimate ibject that is not performing its task properly).

To be fair we have just muddled out way through Hannah's 15th Birthday.  We met up with family and friends and planted daffodils in our local park which was nice (I pinched the idea from Linda, gorgeous Gregor's Mum).  I am glad we did it rather than stayed at home.  Later on when it got dark we let off Chinese lanterns (environmentally friendly bamboo ones), 15 of them.  It was a sad day but it was okay.  I have struggled with the aftermath though.  I have been exhausted this week and very short tempered but I am still here which is good.

I have decided to put a Christmas Tree up this coming weekend which will be tough but it has to be done for Ben and for me.  Christmas used to be my absolute favourite time of the year. I want it to be Ben's too so it has to be done!

The photo below was taken over New Year in 2010.  We were on a ferry from St Mawes to Falmouth and were acting out Jack & Rose on the Titanic.  I look back and miss her so much that I cannot contemplate looking forwards.....

I miss you with every breath I take my little chicken xxxxx

Hannah Thomas-Jones and me on a Ferry St Mawes to Falmouth, New Year 2010

Hannah's Birthday Plans.....

I popped into our Village on Saturday and noticed that they are planting the Jubilee wood on Sunday 2nd December which coincides with Hannah's 15th Birthday.  My original Birthday survival plan was to avoid the whole world and stay in bed all day but seeing this advert for volunteers has made me realise that it would actually be really nice to get family and friends together as a team to help plant the Jubilee wood.

After the planting I thought we could go back to our local pub The Freemasons Arms in Handforth and arrange for a Hotpot of some kind or even some sausage sandwiches (Hannah's fave) and a few drinks, then set off some Chinese Lanterns when it gets dark.

In the middle of these thoughts I suddenly thought, What the hell am I doing?  How can it possibly nearly be Hannah's Birthday and how can I do this without her?  Last year she asked me for an Iphone 4 and I told her it was too expensive for a Birthday present, I told her to ask for money or vouchers and I would put towards it.  I'll never ever forget her face when she opened her present and it was the Iphone4, we thought she was going to burst with joy!

I set her Iphone up on my Itunes which meant when I downloaded something it would go onto her phone and vice versa, I downloaded the latest Radio 1 live lounge album today and listened to it at work thinking of how much Han would love it and how I wouldn't have downloaded it had she been here, I would have bought her this CD for her Birthday.  I would have also bought her the next Now CD, Now 83 if it was out in time, if not then it will probably be out in time for Christmas.

I have read that the run up to Birthdays are worse than the day itself, I hope so because I am a mess...

Special occasions...

We've survived Halloween! Tomorrow is Markmas which is the brainchild of one of our daft, lovely friends who doesn't celebrate Christmas! Markmas started as a small gathering at Mark's house to get friends together who are mostly too busy to see each other all the time. It grew to taking all the family and we all absolutely make sure we never miss it, Hannah took a Smirnoff Ice last year but didn't drink it because she wanted to stay "in control" :-)!

Tomorrow we will be going to Markmas, all five of us minus one! There will be friends that we haven't seen since Hannah's funeral and closer friends and family that will try and understand. We will release Chinese lanterns that last year blew back into the garden and all the kids ran scared inside, there is a video that you can hear Hannah shouting and laughing! I will think and ache for Hannah all night, I can still see her image in that setting in my mind from last year covered in fake snow (foam) from the snow machine in the back yard!

On Monday we have Bonfire night. We would normally go to the Scout Hut but it's bizarre! I try to face things but we've done the Scout Hut bonfire forever and we LOVED it, I just cannot possibly face it! We are going to a different one that I have been to but the kids haven't. Last time I went, the man on the mulled wine stall checked the temperature with his finger, licked it then checked again with same finger!!! I still bought some though, it was bloody freezing!

After Monday I have a month off until December 2nd which would be Hannah's 15th Birthday, what a crock of shit that will be!!!!

Other peoples devastation...

Our Police Liaison Officer has been in touch with us a few times since everything happened. More recently to advise that all the papers had been sent in for the inquest and we could expect a date soon.

I'm dreading the inquest, I know what happened and I know how Hannah died, I don't know why it was only her except that she was sleeping the other way round and the concentration of gas could have been higher there.

The Police Liaison officer keeps asking us if we have discussed our statements with my two sisters and brother in law. We haven't...

At first I was in shock, then I wanted to deny anything had happened, I still do. Now however, I think I can't discuss it because I can't bare to witness their utter devastation of finding us all poisoned in our tent and of witnessing fellow campers and paramedics desperately, frantically try to save My, Our beloved Hannah.

My sister has said she is sorry that they didn't come in earlier to find us. How could she have possibly of known? She is devastated, as is my brother in law.

I am sorry that I bought the bastard BBQ the night before, sorry that I insisted in buying a tent with a sewn in frigging ground sheet!

My sister also had to phone my Dad to tell him that his super star Grand Daughter that he possibly loved more than any of us was gone!

Next was for the Police to visit Hannah's biological Dad and his parents. I struggle to visit Han's Grandma and Grandad because I can see the pain and sorrow all over their faces.

Is it guilt that makes others devastation too much for me to handle? Too much for me to deal with? Have others felt like this?